Life is Funny. Kind of.

This morning I found myself walking out to the van toting a leg. It wasn't until I tucked it snugly into the back there that I remembered how my old self would have thought that was a funny, albeit tragic, sight. Until that moment of reflection, it was neither funny nor tragic, it was normal.

How far we have come in such a short period of time. I remember the first day he left the hospital and we wheeled him out to the truck. I couldn't figure out how to fold up his chair. It took a good ten minutes after enlisting Birch's help before we got the thing folded. I heaved it up into the back of our rented SUV... and it didn't fit. I stood there for a few minutes, playing Tetris in my head, moving things around. Finally, the door was able to shut as the chair lay awkwardly on its side and propped up on one end by the baby strollers. I felt victorious and completely overwhelmed at the same time. Wheelchair wrestling in 100+ degree temps is not a sport I ever wanted to take up.

And yet, here we are. Putting the wheelchair in is second nature. It is no longer so awkward or heavy to lift, it has its own spot in the van, I know how its attachments work and where to store them. It's normal.

Most of the time I am really alright with this version of normal. The schedule is daunting (his medical appointments and physical therapy are his job--if he misses them, he faces Article 15s and/or losing rank). I have to make sure he is at each one, on time, with whatever he needs to take. As he has been healing and he is able to take more responsibility for himself, it has gotten much easier. I am used to being the only driver. There are days that I get overwhelmed and feel sorry for myself, but watching him face his own struggle with courage and grace generally snaps me out of my funk.

But.

When I see artifacts of the old normal, the world trembles and threatens to take me down. Sometimes just talking with friends back at Knox unexpectedly shakes my grip. Not the ones I've stayed in contact with, but the ones I associate only with "Before." Before is a place I don't want to think about. I saw pictures today from the deployment--from Before. I don't dwell on what we lost, so when I come face to face with it, it knocks the wind out of me. And then I think of our friends who are still in the fight, and the others who have been injured or killed... This has been a terrible deployment for our unit. It is barely half over.

Today I go to the GYN to figure out the plan for my highly squamousy cervix. My care at the hospital at Knox was completely unsatisfactory. I am definitely going to need surgery and I am going to try to convince them to take the whole damn thing this time so we can quit stretching out this whole stupid process. If I am going to have a 6 week recovery from surgery, let's make it worth it. Scheduling surgery for me in between all of SB's appointments and lifting his wheelchair and packing up the house at Knox and moving our things and getting the kids enrolled in school and whatnot is going to be a blasty blast. Finding someone to come take care of us for a while is going to be awesome, too.

I'm a little stressed out and sad today.