I feel like shit today.

So many things piling in on my head today and I feel like shit. No Pollyanna enthusiasm to be eked out at the moment.

Today is Crush's third birthday. Most of the time I don't really think about his rather exciting entry into the world, but then stuff slams into me and I still don't really understand how I ended up giving birth with no family and how my mother could stop for a sandwich at Burger King when she was told I might be bleeding to death and she should hurry to the hospital. I don't understand how my dad or stepmother could behave the way the did and I don't understand why we all pretend none of it ever happened. I don't know why I even talk to any of them anymore or why I continue to make efforts to keep them involved in our lives. I sometimes hate that my kids like them so fucking much.

HD had to go back to the OF's house yesterday and I am sick to death of that, too. He does so well here, he starts building true confidence, learning how to be a team player and work together, how to express his emotions appropriately... and then he goes back to that sick old fuck who teaches him the finer things in life, like "1800 is a really good tequila." I don't know how to process any of that and every single fucking time he goes back I feel like the worst mother in the world and I relive the humiliation of court and I feel angry and worthless and numb all at once and all I want to do is lay down on cold tile so I know where I am.

I've lost myself somewhere and I have no hopes of getting me back. I want an active life, I want to rock climb and bike and all sorts of things but I can't do that, because I am a taxi. I take SB to a million appointments all over the place every work day and there is no time left for anything else. The children will soon be in activities so I will be driving them to their things as well and if I am lucky I will have 5 minutes to myself every 3 weeks.

I am supposed to go back to Kentucky to clear housing there and pack up our household and retrieve our pets and car but I am overridden with anxiety about leaving the kids and SB here, even though I have arranged help for all of them. I do not want to be in a state so far away from them again. I have had enough of that. I don't want to walk back into our home and find it in a state of weird decay because no one has lived there for so long. I do not want most of our belongings back because quite frankly, the prospect of dealing with them is overwhelming. The prospect of breathing is overwhelming sometimes, much less traveling up there and doing all of that and then driving over a thousand miles with a dog and a cat and a kayak on the roof of our car makes me crazy to think about. Although the idea of the dog and cat riding in the kayak on the roof of the car kind of made me giggle when I re-read that sentence.

I feel like shit today. I don't want to be talked out of it or platituded or consoled. There will be days I feel like shit and that is ok. There's always tomorrow to feel not like shit. Until there isn't, and then it doesn't really matter anymore anyway.