PreDeployment is a Big Fat Hairy Bitch (Part 1)

I think I've covered Deployment and Reintegration here at Ye Olde Veritably Bare, but I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned the unique joy that is PreDeployment. Most of us tend not to talk about the hardships of this phase, because we are trying to enjoy the time we have left and not dwell on the difficult stuff. It is seriously challenging, though, and deserves some attention.

This phase is awesome and begins around the time that you find out about the deployment (which must be fun for the families of soldiers in units that know the date of their next deployment while they are serving their current one--I'll take Simultaneous Deployment/Reintegration/PreDeployment for $500, Alex) and it ramps up and up and up until they (finally) leave. For me, upon learning with certainty the time frame of his departure, a rock sits in my stomach, I can't breathe, and every movement of my body takes a herculean effort. It sits with me for a few days before I finally let myself break down (typically in the shower, clinging to the wall for support as I do that ugly heaving sobbing thing). I let all those awful thoughts wash over me. I relive that awful doorbell ring from last deployment, I go down the rabbit hole of terror and face the worst scenarios my imagination can throw at me. It is there, of all places, that I find my feet and know that even in my worst case scenarios (believe me, they are really fucking bad), I know that we will be ok. We will find our way through any hardship and we will be ok.

This usually happens months before he leaves. Every now and then the panic grabs me again, but never to the degree that it does that first time I'm slapped with the reality of another deployment. After the acceptance, everything--everything--we do together takes on new meaning. In the beginning it makes everything sweeter, because we are more present during activities like holidays and birthdays and family excursions. Before long, though, it becomes laborious. The last Thanksgiving. Sprout's birthday. Dad's birthday. Heavy Duty's visit. Christmas. There's this unspoken emphasis on making everything memorable, taking pictures, getting little details together to make it special.... and of course wondering whether we are making memories to last a deployment or for a lifetime.

God, that's heavy.

I honestly try to live every day, deployment or no, with the knowledge that we do not know what the future holds. I know that anything can happen to any one (or several) of us at any time and we need to relish today. I know that worry doesn't change the future, but it ruins what we do have here in the present. Many times every day I remind myself to be here. Right now. (And now.) And, well, now.

So during PreDeployment goodness, I wrestle even more with the worry/Zen/holy fucking shit what if it all goes south conundrum. Sometimes I do well, sometimes not so much. My mood swings from strong and confident to angry (at my husband, at my kids, at the government, at terrorists, at idiots, at the dog, at humankind, etc) to a messy blob of tears. I try to maintain an even keel (at least on the surface) for the kids, but I sometimes fail miserably at that, too.

There is much more to say, but the kids' ability to not interrupt me has vanished. It took me ten minutes to write a sentence, and my anger is rising. Time to stop and come back later.

Here's a good thought, though, which was my recent Facebook status: No matter what the deployment holds in store for us, there is no possible way I will go into premature labor 1000 miles from home 4 days after he deploys. That is definitely something to be grateful for, yes?

And cause ya'll have been patient with my absence:

Yours Truly

Crush (Master of garnering sympathy)

Birch (With her new sassy haircut)

Sprout (She got a new sassy haircut, too)