Yesterday I Thought You Were Dead

(If you missed the post below, Soldier Boy is fine. Don't want you to experience for one second what I did yesterday).

Anticipation doesn't touch what it feels like in that moment when you think it's all over. Yesterday was a particularly paranoid day, anyway. I kind of wondered what my problem was, to be honest. First the MPs freaked me out and then I couldn't shake the feeling that the official car was waiting outside. I actually went out on the porch and halfway down the sidewalk three different times yesterday, looking for the car. I wasn't going to tell anybody that because it would make me a paranoid freak. I just flew a little bit of my freak flag by writing about the MPs.

FlyGirl called to check on me after reading my blog, and to see if I had heard from him. Since it was a few hours after watching the MPs cruise by staring at my house, I figured it was just my paranoia speaking because I knew if they had scoped out the house to make sure I was here, the notification team would be right behind them in 20-30 minutes. Even during that half hour I was ok, peaceful, even. I wasn't filled with dread or anything, just had the overwhelming sense that they were coming here.

Who woulda thunk I'd be right?

I was on the phone with FlyGirl, laughing off my earlier paranoia and telling her everything was fine, when the doorbell rang.

I don't remember much, except that it took a million years or just a flash to get to the door. I asked FlyGirl to stay on the phone with me and I could hear the fear in her complete and utter silence. The first thing I saw threw that skinny window by the door, was paper. Whoever it was was looking at some papers. As I drew closer, I saw the class A's. And when I opened the door and saw the chaplain I'm fairly certain the only thing I could say was a pleading, "No...."

And in that moment you were dead. You were gone and my life ended, too, right on my doorstep, staring at those men who certainly did not want to be there doing what they were doing. My heart fell in a way I didn't know was possible as I begged them with my eyes and everything in me to not let it be true. Every hope, every dream, every promise, every desire was descimated. All those things that annoy the shit out of me about you suddenly and permanently didn't matter. Nothing else mattered. Just you. Just knowing that I would never see you, hold you, breathe you again. It was gone, snatched away from me in an instant.

You were dead.

And then the unthinkable happened. After he introduced himself and paused for a moment for me to breathe... he asked me my name. And it wasn't my name. Again I said, "No! No! That's not me!" and a tiny little hope sprung up somewhere deep inside under all the anguish of losing you, and I told FlyGirl I would call her back, that it wasn't me... it wasn't us.

That's when I recognized the name of the person they were looking for, and my heart broke all over again. (I cannot say much about that now, but if you read my blog you do not know them, they are not in our unit, so do not worry. When the information is public I will say more.)

Part of me still feels like I've lost you forever. The BC's wife said she was sending messages downrange to get you to a telephone to call me, but given your current activities I doubt that will be possible for a while. I don't want to lose you, baby. I don't want to do this alone. My life is so much better because you're in it. You make me laugh and you calm me down and you love me like nobody else loves me and I feel so very very safe in your arms. There's absolutely nothing better than being home with you. Nothing. Please come home to me.

I love you.